Unrequited love is somewhat like religion. To the admirer, the other party is a God. They are perfection, unreachable to man. To interact with them is sainthood, akin to being born again, free of sin. But as with religion, the admirer is plagued with sin, torn, guilty, heavy with the weight of knowing that their filthy fantasies that could never be born still refuse to die.

Who am I to you? To me, you are the sun.

Q sat in the quiet living room, typing away on his laptop. A project had just been assigned to his class, and he was determined to finish it before the weekend came. As the semester progressed, the projects grew more frequent, more complex. It had started wearing him out, and he felt himself sinking into acceptance that his immaculate grade history might finally be impacted.

The front door of the apartment opened, pulling Q from his thoughts. He looked up sharply, mind now scattered by the distraction.

“’Sup, loser?” the intruder chided, making his way to flop down on the couch next to Q. The force of his flop disrupted the balancing act Q was performing with his project materials and laptop, and papers went tumbling to the ground. “Shit, let me get that for you,” the intruder apologized.

“Jack,” Q sighed. “It’s okay, I should take a break anyway. What’s for dinner? It’s your turn tonight to make or buy.”

The two had lived together for just under a year now, signing a lease at the end of their junior year for the most affordable two-bedroom they could find. They had gotten along together easily when they first met in their freshman year classes, and had become inseparable ever since. A year and a half of roommate issues, and they turned right around and decided to live together off-campus.

They were on their final semester in college together. What would happen after that, they were still unsure. Jack knew he wanted to stay in the area, and would continue living in the apartment even if Q decided to move out on his own, or go back home to his parents. They just weren’t sure what they wanted to do with their lives yet. It felt insurmountable to think about. Their lives had only just begun.

Q finished putting away his project materials, and returned to the couch to find that Jack was already browsing through their streaming services to find suitable entertainment for the night.

“I was thinking pizza?” Jack suggested, not taking his eyes off the screen as Q took his place next to him. Q nodded in agreeance, and Jack went to work ordering on his phone.

Jack punched in his order first — stuffed crust pepperoni pizza with onions and spinach. Q took the phone from him to place his order as well. He went with a thin crust alfredo pizza with chicken, bacon, and green peppers. If he was being honest with himself, he knew he didn’t like that kind of pizza, but he knew that Jack would end up stealing slices from him, and that was one of Jack’s recurrent orders.

Q often sacrificed things he enjoyed for the sake of pleasing Jack. He didn’t care to think too much into it.

The pizza arrived and the two enjoyed it in silence, watching nonsense on the TV. Q wasn’t really paying attention. His mind was full of thoughts, running wild with ideas he couldn’t follow with the scrutiny they demanded. Just as he predicted, Jack snuck a hand into his pizza box and ate a few slices of his. In retribution, Q smirked at him and stole a slice of his stuffed crust pizza from his plate.

“Hey!” Jack protested, muffled with a mouth full of pizza.

“All’s fair in love and war, mon frere,” Q smiled, proudly biting into his stolen slice.

The night progressed uneventfully. The two sat, sprawled across one another in the living room, as they ate their pizza and watched their shows.

As the semester dwindled down on them, they found themselves in this routine more and more frequently. The stress of finishing college and getting their final assignments in to graduate often left them without the social energy to spend their nights doing much more than this.

Q wasn't complaining. They both had full schedules, and this was one of the few moments they had in their days to spend time together. Q worked on the weekends and mornings when he wasn't in class, and Jack... Jack was always in class. The man was a double major and a double minor, focusing on anthropology, environmental studies, biology, and anatomy. Q was content with his journalism degree.

Eventually, the two had their fill of pizza, and decided to turn in for the night. Jack went off to his room, leaving Q to clean up after the two of them. It was only fair, after all, since Jack was the one who bought dinner tonight. It was their routine.

Things weren't too messy, anyway. It took a little time to reorganize the kitchen and clean down the surfaces, but Q finished up quick enough and made his way to his room to sleep.

Sleep never came easy for him. He settled into bed, staring up at the ceiling above, mind reeling with thoughts and ideas and fears and worries. He often let his anxiety get the better of him when he settled for the night, and it always manifested in a night of restless sleep, and the anxiety exponentially worsening with the lack of rest. It was a bad cycle that he couldn’t pull himself away from. Tonight, his mind was torn apart with the idea of graduation.

With the idea of leaving Jack.

With the idea of finding a full time job. Of paying off his debt. Of finding a place to live. Everything circled around in his brain, everything was overwhelming. He turned to his bedside counter, eyes scanning for the orange bottle of anxiety medication. He took two pills, swallowing them down roughly, and rolled over to the other side of his bed, facing the wall.

Sleep finally came, but not peacefully.